Bones of Stone
by Insanely Me
Summary: Stay skinny, be skinny, look skinny, feel skinny. WARNING: Content deals with Anorexia


**This is what I decided to type while I was supposed to be writing the next chapter for His Loving Arms (A collaboration with Tiger; it's turning out how I thought it would, yay!)**_. _**Enjoy?**

"_One ounce," _they said, _"One ounce under ninety and you're out of the field and into the hospital."_

But it didn't mean anything. They had said the same thing about ninety-five. A hundred. A hundred-five.

_They need you. They CAN'T get rid of you. _That's what the voice told me. The same one that told me I was strong enough to not eat. The one that chanted _Don't eat. Not hungry. Can't eat. Not hungry. Won't eat. Not hungry. _Starving. _Not hungry. _Ravenous. _Not hungry. _Empty. _Not hungry, not hungry, not hungry. _

I hated that voice, but I listened to it. I obeyed it. I worshipped it. I needed it. _I wanted it._

But sometimes I wasn't strong enough. The mantra of _stay skinny, be skinny, look skinny, feel skinny _didn't always work, and I would fail. I'd drink the coffee (scalding hot, dark as a starless night) or I'd eat the muffin (powdery flour, chunks of strawberry or blueberry).

Then the bathroom would become my best friend.

I knew the bathroom floor better than any thing else. I could count the chips in the porcelain, I could etch the dents in the tile floor.

I counted while I purged.

_One_, fingers down the throat.

_Two_, bile up the throat.

_Three_, food I didn't want and calories I didn't need leaving for good (_bye-bye_).

I craved bones. Pressing through the skin. Knife sharp, a canvas of skeleton. _I want to be so thin that they mistake me for a display and they hang me on a hook so everyone can see my lovely bones._

I feel invincible. I feel in control. I feel emptyhungrystarving.

People lie. They say "You are too thin/skinny/tiny that you're going disappear/get sick/die.". Can't they see the blubber around your thighs? Don't they notice the fat bubbling beneath your skin?

_Don't eat._

I'm strong. I don't need _them _(the doubters, the doctors, the friends, the calories). I'm fine on my own. _I have the magic mushrooms. _When the pain in your belly gets to be too much you just eat one and it roots and grows and fills you up. _Still hungry. Peel back the layers of skin and sinew and muscle and unzip your stomach and shove the food in._

When people ask I say I'm fine. I feel great. I already ate. I'll eat later. _I won't eat you can't make me._

My goal weight is eighty-five. I weigh myself on the real scale (not the one that has the weights on the inside and only works half of the time).

_88._

I smile. _My teeth are too big, my tongue will fall out, my gums will bleed. _

I'm almost there, but even now, I know it won't be enough. I'll want to be eighty. Then seventy -five. Then seventy.

And then I'll want to be weightless (I'm getting there).

I'll want to be gone (I'm already disappearing).

_I'll want to be dead._

_One _not hungry, _two _I'm fine, _three _think of the bones. One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.

I'm not hungry (I'm weightless).

I'm not hungry (I'm gone).

I'm not hungry (_I'm dead_).


End file.
